Mailer Daemon was an official Harold Team at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City. Members have since moved on to other projects, but Mailer Daemon still keeps the flame alive.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Ever wonder?
Have you ever wondered what it would look like 5 minutes before a Member of Mailer Daemon Date Raped you?
Well Wonder no more!
Just replace Eric with yourself, and then you'll know what it would look like 5 minutes before I would Rape you.
I rape like an opossum.
0 comments
Well Wonder no more!
Just replace Eric with yourself, and then you'll know what it would look like 5 minutes before I would Rape you.
I rape like an opossum.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
WHITE LIGHT - Tooth Whitening System
"No thanks. I'll stick to my old tooth whitening methods.
...Adobe Photoshop."
I heart Florida news!
Tampa news reports that an ambulance designed to accommodate extremely large patients now is part of the emergency vehicle fleet at Fire Rescue Station 20. The unit has a battery powered lift that can accommodate patients weighing up to 700lbs.
Putting its plus sized patients even more at ease is the fact that the ambulance is designed to look exactly like a Mr. Tasty ice cream truck.
1 comments
Putting its plus sized patients even more at ease is the fact that the ambulance is designed to look exactly like a Mr. Tasty ice cream truck.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I Am Jealous of Young Parents
i cannot wait until i get older and have kids...that way if i am ever about to be killed i can say "c'mon man don't do this, i have kids at home!"
and actually mean it
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and actually mean it
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
What kind of wiper are you?
You may not know it, but the way you wipe your ass can really say a lot about who you are as a person.
Wadding up the toilet paper into a ball says that you’re a free spirit who lives each minute like it’s his last, while folding after each wipe tells us that you’re an uptight economist who shudders at the thought of wasting a delicate square of TP. Do you follow up with a baby wipe? That says that you either care a lot about hygiene or you are of the meticulous serial killer ilk.
I, on the other hand, sometimes wipe with a crumpled up magazine page, which says I’m too lazy to buy more toilet paper and that my roommates fucking hate me.
1 comments
Wadding up the toilet paper into a ball says that you’re a free spirit who lives each minute like it’s his last, while folding after each wipe tells us that you’re an uptight economist who shudders at the thought of wasting a delicate square of TP. Do you follow up with a baby wipe? That says that you either care a lot about hygiene or you are of the meticulous serial killer ilk.
I, on the other hand, sometimes wipe with a crumpled up magazine page, which says I’m too lazy to buy more toilet paper and that my roommates fucking hate me.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
No show on Tuesday
Unfortunately, Mailer Daemon does not have a show this Tuesday night. I believe it's our first Tuesday off in about twelve weeks. Now, I'm sure you're asking yourselves, "What in the name of fuck's sake is Mailer Daemon going to do with their time off?" Well, we're taking a little road trip to see the...
REPLICA LEG BONE OF GENERAL SICKLES
Gettysburg, PA
On July 2, 1863, artillery along the Confederate lines dispatched a 12-pound solid ball that hit Sickles, on horseback, and shattered his right leg. Sickles' leg was amputated by an army surgeon and later donated by the General to a new museum in DC where war injuries were under study.
Today, visitors to the historic battlefields of Gettysburg needn't truck 90 miles south to DC to salute the real leg. They can go to Greystone's Historical Emporium & Gallery, a gift shop on Gettysburg's main drag of attractions, and visit the "only authorized replica" of General Sickle's leg.
Now you're probably saying, "Wait...I didn't know that Mailer Daemon were civil war buffs! I'm a civil war buff too! We should all get an apartment together!!!"
Well I'm sorry, but we're going to pass on the apartment. While we are excited that you share this interest with us, we all like where we live -- except for Eric, who lives with his Dad...maybe he'll get a place with you.
ANYWAY, we're super excited about our trip. Just last night at rehearsal, Moses was brandishing his replica 1861 Springfield Musket -- all polished and looking just like it did when it was made, in 1997 -- and Kevin was looking through his old civil war pictures, from when he was there.
Gabrus told me that he's most excited about "General Pickett's All-U-Can Eat Buffet," which is located right down the road from Sickle's bone. He's going to fast for two days just so he can eat as many gravy biscuits as possible. I tried to tell him that fasting makes your stomach shrink, but he told me to shut up and spit chocolate milkshake in my eyes.
Ben is so excited that he started building an Underground Railroad that leads from his basement apartment to his favorite restaurant, Mars 2112. We told Ben that the Underground Railroad was built before the Civil War started and Mars 2112 wasn't built until THE FUTURE, but he informed us that he was on ecstacy and that he didn't care where the tunnel went because it felt great digging it.
Ellie and Shannon told me that they're going to dress like Abraham Lincoln and flash their tits to every car on the drive there. I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "They're BOTH dressing like Lincoln?" Boy, you ask a lot of questions. But the answer is, no...Shannon is wearing a Lincoln costume and Ellie is growing a beard.
After we get back to New York, I'm going to assassinate one (or both) of them in the audience of the UCB Theatre!
Sic semper tyrannis!
0 comments
Gettysburg, PA
On July 2, 1863, artillery along the Confederate lines dispatched a 12-pound solid ball that hit Sickles, on horseback, and shattered his right leg. Sickles' leg was amputated by an army surgeon and later donated by the General to a new museum in DC where war injuries were under study.
Today, visitors to the historic battlefields of Gettysburg needn't truck 90 miles south to DC to salute the real leg. They can go to Greystone's Historical Emporium & Gallery, a gift shop on Gettysburg's main drag of attractions, and visit the "only authorized replica" of General Sickle's leg.
Now you're probably saying, "Wait...I didn't know that Mailer Daemon were civil war buffs! I'm a civil war buff too! We should all get an apartment together!!!"
Well I'm sorry, but we're going to pass on the apartment. While we are excited that you share this interest with us, we all like where we live -- except for Eric, who lives with his Dad...maybe he'll get a place with you.
ANYWAY, we're super excited about our trip. Just last night at rehearsal, Moses was brandishing his replica 1861 Springfield Musket -- all polished and looking just like it did when it was made, in 1997 -- and Kevin was looking through his old civil war pictures, from when he was there.
Gabrus told me that he's most excited about "General Pickett's All-U-Can Eat Buffet," which is located right down the road from Sickle's bone. He's going to fast for two days just so he can eat as many gravy biscuits as possible. I tried to tell him that fasting makes your stomach shrink, but he told me to shut up and spit chocolate milkshake in my eyes.
Ben is so excited that he started building an Underground Railroad that leads from his basement apartment to his favorite restaurant, Mars 2112. We told Ben that the Underground Railroad was built before the Civil War started and Mars 2112 wasn't built until THE FUTURE, but he informed us that he was on ecstacy and that he didn't care where the tunnel went because it felt great digging it.
Ellie and Shannon told me that they're going to dress like Abraham Lincoln and flash their tits to every car on the drive there. I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "They're BOTH dressing like Lincoln?" Boy, you ask a lot of questions. But the answer is, no...Shannon is wearing a Lincoln costume and Ellie is growing a beard.
After we get back to New York, I'm going to assassinate one (or both) of them in the audience of the UCB Theatre!
Sic semper tyrannis!
Friday, May 19, 2006
Truth or Dare I Lie
The following statements are either True or False.
Monkeys that did not evolve became so angry they created AIDS.
Someone on Mailer Daemon is a convicted Rapist.
When a girl's breasts begin to grow, one grows faster than the other.
Dinosaurs did not die from a meteor, they died from a Tyranasaurus FART!
The amount of time an average American spends reading blogs adds up to the number SAD.
Happy Weekend!
1 comments
Monkeys that did not evolve became so angry they created AIDS.
Someone on Mailer Daemon is a convicted Rapist.
When a girl's breasts begin to grow, one grows faster than the other.
Dinosaurs did not die from a meteor, they died from a Tyranasaurus FART!
The amount of time an average American spends reading blogs adds up to the number SAD.
Happy Weekend!
gabrus life lesson 1
did you know that puppy puke looks like melted blue cheese that fell off of a bacon cheeseburger...
well it does
the only way to tell the difference is to try and pick it up and put it back on your bun. when it is mostly liquid and very difficult to grasp, you really notice.
0 comments
well it does
the only way to tell the difference is to try and pick it up and put it back on your bun. when it is mostly liquid and very difficult to grasp, you really notice.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Creative Pornography
As we all know, the internet is FULL of pornography. But, have you actually taken the time to look at some of the outrageous concepts some of these spank sites have? Pornography is not just for masturbating anymore -- it's also for misogynistic hilarity! Here are two of my favorites...
Big Sausage Pizza
This concept is pretty simple. A pizza delivery guy shows up at a sexy lady's door holding the pizza box near his junk area. When he's invited in, he sits on the couch and asks her if she wants a slice, but when he opens the box -- you guessed it -- his dick is sticking out of a hole in the center of the pie! When she performs oral sex on him, her face mashes into the greasy oils and cheese and sauce! Save me a slice (not really)!
Bang Bus
A couple of dudes drive around in a van that they call, the "bang bus." When they see a single woman standing alone on the side of the road, they ask her if she'll get into the bus (van) for some cash. Then when she gets in, they keep upping the amount of money until their penises are inside her. The catch is, they tell her that they'll give her the money after they pull over and let her out, but when she gets out, they slam the door and throw something (usually an empty backpack or a balled up t-shirt) in her face and speed off!
...on a side note, these sites made me remember an idea I once had. I used to talk about creating the ultimate movie that has super explosive action sequences, the funniest comedy ever captured on film, is grippingly suspenseful with lots of brilliant plot twists, and also has hardcore sex scenes with full penitration. There would also be some DOPE animated sequences (digital, drawn and stop-motion).
It would, of course, be a BUDDY COP movie.
1 comments
Big Sausage Pizza
This concept is pretty simple. A pizza delivery guy shows up at a sexy lady's door holding the pizza box near his junk area. When he's invited in, he sits on the couch and asks her if she wants a slice, but when he opens the box -- you guessed it -- his dick is sticking out of a hole in the center of the pie! When she performs oral sex on him, her face mashes into the greasy oils and cheese and sauce! Save me a slice (not really)!
Bang Bus
A couple of dudes drive around in a van that they call, the "bang bus." When they see a single woman standing alone on the side of the road, they ask her if she'll get into the bus (van) for some cash. Then when she gets in, they keep upping the amount of money until their penises are inside her. The catch is, they tell her that they'll give her the money after they pull over and let her out, but when she gets out, they slam the door and throw something (usually an empty backpack or a balled up t-shirt) in her face and speed off!
...on a side note, these sites made me remember an idea I once had. I used to talk about creating the ultimate movie that has super explosive action sequences, the funniest comedy ever captured on film, is grippingly suspenseful with lots of brilliant plot twists, and also has hardcore sex scenes with full penitration. There would also be some DOPE animated sequences (digital, drawn and stop-motion).
It would, of course, be a BUDDY COP movie.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
SPOILER
RIP
Denny Duquette
??- 5-15-06
I hope you are happy Izzy, that was very stupid
Lawsuits are hilarious!!!
So...I thought it would be fun to do fake profiles for the members of Mailer Daemon. I googled our names and posted pictures of our various alter-egos below (such as, Eric Appel the magician and Matt Moses the baseball player).
Unfortunately, Ben Rodgers -- The Last Singing Cowboy -- and his legal team did not succumb to the humor of this "bit." (which I admit was a LAZY bit anyway) We were contacted by his lawyers, who stated that the image and description of Ben Rodgers needed to be removed within 48 hours or the singing cowboy would pursue the matter further.
You are using copyrighted material in your "mailor daemon" blog. The bio and photo for Ben Rodgers is copyrighted, and your use of his likeness and bio on your site suggests a less than wholesome persona--substancial loss of income could result and my client is fully willing to persue the matter further if the image and bio are not removed within 48 hours from the sending of this notification.
Apparently, we are a "less than wholesome" improv comedy group. I just hope -- for Mr. Rodger's sake -- that no county fair commitees searched him out for a performance opportunity and came across our site. I would feel terrible if our blog cost him the hundreds of billions of dollars he must make for his trick gun shows, his lasso routines, and that sweet old singing cowboy sound the good people of Nashville have grown to love.
Yee-Haw!
0 comments
Unfortunately, Ben Rodgers -- The Last Singing Cowboy -- and his legal team did not succumb to the humor of this "bit." (which I admit was a LAZY bit anyway) We were contacted by his lawyers, who stated that the image and description of Ben Rodgers needed to be removed within 48 hours or the singing cowboy would pursue the matter further.
You are using copyrighted material in your "mailor daemon" blog. The bio and photo for Ben Rodgers is copyrighted, and your use of his likeness and bio on your site suggests a less than wholesome persona--substancial loss of income could result and my client is fully willing to persue the matter further if the image and bio are not removed within 48 hours from the sending of this notification.
Apparently, we are a "less than wholesome" improv comedy group. I just hope -- for Mr. Rodger's sake -- that no county fair commitees searched him out for a performance opportunity and came across our site. I would feel terrible if our blog cost him the hundreds of billions of dollars he must make for his trick gun shows, his lasso routines, and that sweet old singing cowboy sound the good people of Nashville have grown to love.
Yee-Haw!
Friday, May 12, 2006
DAEMON PROFILE: ERIC APPEL
My name is Eric Appel and I'm from New Jersey.
I am 49 years old, and I have been into magic since 1968 when I started attending IBM Ring 200 meetings. This was about the same time David Copperfield, then known as David Kotkin, started attending the same Ring meetings. Just two teens in a room full of veterans.
I worked as head assistant with Bill Baker and his "Magic World" Illusion show for about 6 years. During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting and working with some big names in our profession as well as some celebrities who have a passing interest. Dai Vernon, Tony Slydini, both Irv and Lou Tannen as well as Tony Spina, James Randi, Peter Pitt, Willie Marconick and Dom DeLouise to name a few.
Started doing my own shows as well starting in 1972.
In May of 1974, I joined the Middlesex County Sheriff's Department and continued with my shows until promoted to the rank of Sergeant in 1981. At that time my magic had to go on the "Back burner" due to the amount of extra work I carried. Started getting back to working my magic last year and I retired as a Lieutenant in December of '99 and am now working on my shows full time. The hardest part is trying to play catch up on all of the time I've lost.
I like Burton and Ammar as well as quite a few others, and There will always be something special for Copperfield as he came from my Ring.
I like just about all types of magic but do kids shows and stage work myself along with some escape work.
My plans are to build my show back up and maybe start building an illusion show of my own.
DAEMON PROFILE: MATT MOSES
The Player of the Month for April, 2005, was Single-A Fort Myers third baseman Matt Moses, the Twins' No. 1 draft pick in 2003. Moses hit .403 with four homers and 22 RBI in only 20 games.
He earned a spot in the Florida State League All-Star Game, set for Saturday in Clearwater. Minnesota Twins farm director Jim Rantz said he expects Moses to graduate to Double-A New Britain this summer.
Also making the FSL All-Star Game were Fort Myers outfielder Denard Span and starting pitcher Nick Blackburn. Span was a first-round pick in 2002. Blackburn was taken in the 29th round in 2001.
DAEMON PROFILE: BEN RODGERS
HILARIOUS BIT POST DELETED. SEE ABOVE.
2 comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Monthly Daemon
As some of you may already know, Mailer Daemon publishes a monthly rag called, "The Monthly Daemon," and hands it out for free at the UCB Theatre (on the first Harold Night of each month...or the second, depending on how motivated we are). Well, now that we have this blog, we have been asked if we will discontinue the Monthly D. Our answer to that is a firm "NO." However, everything that is printed in the Monthly Daemon is exclusive to it and will not end up on this blog.
That being said, there are still a few copies of our May issue floating around at UCB. So if you want to read an article where Ellie invents something called "Truth in Tragedy," Kevin dishes gossip about our latest bank heist, Shannon teaches you how to steal apples from the grocery store, and Ben warns you (and your delicate taint) about the dangers of NYC's Bike Month, head down to UCB and rummage through the various trash cans scattered about the theatre. You'll be sure to find at least one copy of The Monthly Daemon. Enjoy!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
WELCOME
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Mailer Daemon blog. This will soon be the place to get all your Mailer Daemon information.
For instance, let's just say that Ellie Kemper gets arrested for smuggling heroin over the border (in her asshole). How long do you think it would take for that sweet information to pass through the grapevine and into your ears (answer: too long). With the new Mailer Daemon blog -- which I'm sure you will be checking daily -- you'll find out in almost no time!
Or what if Ben Rodgers dies of alcohol poisoning (or an alcohol related accident of some sort). You'll read it HERE first!
Kevin Hines dies of old age? Slips and breaks his hip? MD BLOG TIME!
Gabrus devours the entire team in a fraternity prank gone wrong (even though he isn't in a frat)? Shannon gets a penis sewn to her vagina? Dominic learns to walk? Appel gets murdered by an ex-girlfriend?
READ...IT...ON...OUR...BLOGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
So, welcome. Now you can stop sitting at home and thinking about us all day, and instead, come here and READ about us...if you even CAN read...which I assume you can if you're reading this...
What I'm really trying to say is, LET'S GO THROW ROCKS AT PEOPLE THAT CAN'T READ!
2 comments
For instance, let's just say that Ellie Kemper gets arrested for smuggling heroin over the border (in her asshole). How long do you think it would take for that sweet information to pass through the grapevine and into your ears (answer: too long). With the new Mailer Daemon blog -- which I'm sure you will be checking daily -- you'll find out in almost no time!
Or what if Ben Rodgers dies of alcohol poisoning (or an alcohol related accident of some sort). You'll read it HERE first!
Kevin Hines dies of old age? Slips and breaks his hip? MD BLOG TIME!
Gabrus devours the entire team in a fraternity prank gone wrong (even though he isn't in a frat)? Shannon gets a penis sewn to her vagina? Dominic learns to walk? Appel gets murdered by an ex-girlfriend?
READ...IT...ON...OUR...BLOGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
So, welcome. Now you can stop sitting at home and thinking about us all day, and instead, come here and READ about us...if you even CAN read...which I assume you can if you're reading this...
What I'm really trying to say is, LET'S GO THROW ROCKS AT PEOPLE THAT CAN'T READ!