MAILER DAEMON

We are Mailer Daemon

2008-01-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

Who the fuck reads this bitch?

CAGEMATCH CHAMPIONSHIP

2006-11-28T22:20:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, make sure you vote for MAILER DAEMON in the first round of the CAGE-MATCH CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT. It's at 11pm this Thursday, 11/30, at the UCB Theatre.

BUST IT OUT!

Eric Appel's Swan Song

2006-08-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

swan song
n.
1. the beautiful legendary song sung only once by a swan in its lifetime, as it is dying.
2. a final accomplishment or performance, one's last work. For example, Eric is moving to LA on Monday to write for Crank Yankers; defeating Project Improvisor at Cagematch this Thursday is his swan song.

This Thursday, 8/10 at 11pm
UCB THEATRE

COME SEE ERIC APPEL'S FINAL MAILER DAEMON SHOW!

2006-07-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Watching people fall down is funny.

Watching joggers fall in a giant water ditch covered in leaves is funnier.

Watching a foreign prank show where joggers and bike riders fall into a giant water ditch covered in leaves while "Hey-Ya" plays in the background is the top of the pops, son!

SPAM

2006-07-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

Gmail's SPAM filter is letting an alarming number of bizzare emails slip through lately. Here is one I recieved this morning...

Dear partner,
I have decided to contact you once again through this means of communication since i did not hear from you to know if you received my last letter that I sent to you through courier service last month.

I am now resending a copy of the letter that I have earlier sent to you for your urgent attention. Please bear with me for sending this letter to you surprisingly. My name is Mr.Ibiahime Isaac,

A young man originally from Liberia in west Africa.My sole purpose of contacting you is for you to assist me in selling in your country or elsewhere of my rough (uncutted) diamonds which weighs 14,220 carats,from (3-45 carats),(3kg gross)on the scale,("H"VS-1quality), all rough and worths about(US$8Million). The diamonds was deposited by my late father in a holding firm and it is waiting for my order to be transfered as I am the "NEXT OF KIN" to the deposit as it is indicated in all the depositional documents.I am presently living in Dakar senegal.

We are giving you the offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist us,we have decided to give you 20% out of the total money generated from the sales of the diamonds.Secondly,we shall mapped out 5% for any miscelleneous expenses that may incurr during the transfering of the diamonds to your position Wish to hear from you soon.

Bye and God bless.
Mr.Ibiahime Isaac.

I don't quite understand this. What happened to the old SPAM emails that everyone was familiar with. The ones about penis pumps, and penis pills, and other penile enhancement products. They're supposed to be trying to sell me something, aren't they? Do they think they're going to trick me into becoming some South African Adventurer? Honestly, I am confused. Did I accidentally sign up for some massive online game? Is this part of ABC's "The LOST Experience?" Oh shit...wait...maybe it is.

At any rate - tighten up those SPAM filters!

Slumber Party!

2006-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

We had our monthly Slumber Party over the weekend.

Guess who fell asleep first!

awesome linkitude

2006-06-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.neatorama.com/2006/06/16/we-should-like-stop-saying-like

FRED WILLARD AND FRIENDS

2006-06-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Mailer Daemon will be performing at a benefit for The Abingdon Theater Company with Fred Willard.

Fred Willard & Friends
An Evening of Improv to Benefit The Abingdon Theater Company
June 19, 2006 at 7:30pm

Tickets: $50
www.smarttix.com or (212) 868-4444

June Havoc Theater, Abingdon Theater Arts Complex, 312 W. 36th Street

FOR SALE

2006-06-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

Anybody want to buy a giant Bob Seger hot air balloon?

Wait...it's Jesus? But aren't Jesus and Bob Seger pretty much the same person, when you think about it?

No?

Ok. Well, it's still for sale. Though I have no idea why anybody would want a giant Jesus hot air balloon.

Hearts of Mailer Daemon

2006-06-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when we all get drunk together, someone either gets arrested, or someone gets adopted.
Please say hello to our new baby girl.

Jonny Kemper

Matt Moses is in charge of her this weekend. He's taking her for her first ride in a Cigarette Boat!
Pictures should be posted Monday!

Lazy Sunday (monday, tuesday, etc...)

2006-06-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Some of you out there have offices that you go to every morning, while some work from home. Some of you work nights at a bar or restaurant, or slave away behind a retail counter. But some people -- like myself -- are between writing gigs and collect unemployment.

It sounds like a dream! Get paid to do nothing! Wait for your next job to start while you party on Uncle Sam's dime. Well, it's not really like that at all. See, sitting around at home just makes you lazier. Oh, I thought that I would be exercising more, reading more books, getting more writing done for myself, and becoming a better person in general...I was wrong. I'm just getting fatter and lazier. I need to start work again SOON.

Here's my typical day:

-Lay in bed till around noon
-Eat some toast (too lazy to make eggs...don't want to clean pan)
-Sit down at computer
-Check email
-Chat on Instant Messenger
-Check message boards
-Check various websites
-Download music
-Check email
-Instant Messenger
-Message Boards
-Email
-Instant Messenger
-Eat again
-Take shit
-Watch a movie
-Eat snack
-Watch TV
-Back on computer
-Look at clock
-Shower
-Head into city to have dinner with girlfriend
-Lie to her about how productive I was today
-Sex
-Sleep
-Repeat

NEW MONTHLY DAEMON!

2006-06-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

Issue Number FIVE of the Monthly Daemon will be waiting for you at the next HAROLD NIGHT. Click above to make a reservation.

I'd post a preview picture, but this month's cover is SUPER-TOP-SECRET!!!

Ever wonder?

2006-05-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would look like 5 minutes before a Member of Mailer Daemon Date Raped you?

Well Wonder no more!

Just replace Eric with yourself, and then you'll know what it would look like 5 minutes before I would Rape you.

I rape like an opossum.

WHITE LIGHT - Tooth Whitening System

2006-05-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

"No thanks. I'll stick to my old tooth whitening methods.
...Adobe Photoshop."

I heart Florida news!

2006-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Tampa news reports that an ambulance designed to accommodate extremely large patients now is part of the emergency vehicle fleet at Fire Rescue Station 20. The unit has a battery powered lift that can accommodate patients weighing up to 700lbs.

Putting its plus sized patients even more at ease is the fact that the ambulance is designed to look exactly like a Mr. Tasty ice cream truck.

I Am Jealous of Young Parents

2006-05-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

i cannot wait until i get older and have kids...that way if i am ever about to be killed i can say "c'mon man don't do this, i have kids at home!"
and actually mean it

Chicken slice and garlic knots

2006-05-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

Over near where I live at 14th St and 1st Ave, there's a pizza place called Amore Pizza. They're open until about 3am so as a result I often hit them up for my late night dinner. I've been going there probably 2-4 times a week for the last year ordering (99% of the time) a chicken slice and five garlic knots for a total of $4. I ordered the same thing every time and then about three months ago, the pizza guy started recognizing my order.

Over the last three months, anytime I walk in, he gets all chipper and declares, "Chicken and garlic knots, no?" And as ridiculous as it sounds, I really enjoy the fact that I am a recognized regular. I feel somewhat superior to his other customers, especially because of the one night he declared me his "best, most regular customer." We had a special relationship, a bond built on his knowledge of my pizza tastes.

Well.

Tonight, I stopped by around 1am and got my usual. He was as bubbly as ever and even sprinkled chicken and cheese on a plain slice of pizza since they didn't have any chicken slices.

That's when this douche bag walked in. He was this guy in a suit with his tie loosened and an atache case. He sat down and my pizza guy gave him a big welcome.

Okay. No big deal, right? He's a friendly pizza guy. No reason to get jealous. Then this douche bag starts asking my pizza guy about his family. He knows my pizza guy's name (which is apparantly Antonio). I'm starting to get a little jealous. I don't know my pizza guy's name. We don't have conversations. We just have a semi-unspoken bond over my pizza orders. And then this douche bag opens up the kitchen door and hollers greetings to the rest of the staff whom he also knows by name (Roberto, and three other really Italian names). Then my pizza guy completely ignores me. It was as if I wasn't there. They bantered on and on about this douche bag's job and my pizza guy's kids. I didn't even know he had kids. Why hadn't he told me about his kids? Then my slice and knots were ready to go. I pay for the food and go to leave. Then the douche bag has the nerve to turn to me and say, "Hey. You be sure and come back, now. This is the best fucking pizza place in New York."

Knife to the heart. I muttered something about how I come here all the time. But I was clearly the lesser customer. And what's worse, my pizza guy didn't even come to my defense. There was no, "Oh yeah. He comes here all the time." No "Oh yeah. He's my best customer." Not even a "Back off, douche bag. This is my chicken slice kindred spirit." Just silence.

I left feeling like a guy feels when he talks to a girl in junior high and thinks she's interested in him and then realizes she only talks to you when the guy she likes more isn't around.

The moral of the story..........I need real relationships with people.

What kind of wiper are you?

2006-05-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

You may not know it, but the way you wipe your ass can really say a lot about who you are as a person.

Wadding up the toilet paper into a ball says that you’re a free spirit who lives each minute like it’s his last, while folding after each wipe tells us that you’re an uptight economist who shudders at the thought of wasting a delicate square of TP. Do you follow up with a baby wipe? That says that you either care a lot about hygiene or you are of the meticulous serial killer ilk.

I, on the other hand, sometimes wipe with a crumpled up magazine page, which says I’m too lazy to buy more toilet paper and that my roommates fucking hate me.

No show on Tuesday

2006-05-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, Mailer Daemon does not have a show this Tuesday night. I believe it's our first Tuesday off in about twelve weeks. Now, I'm sure you're asking yourselves, "What in the name of fuck's sake is Mailer Daemon going to do with their time off?" Well, we're taking a little road trip to see the...

REPLICA LEG BONE OF GENERAL SICKLES
Gettysburg, PA

On July 2, 1863, artillery along the Confederate lines dispatched a 12-pound solid ball that hit Sickles, on horseback, and shattered his right leg. Sickles' leg was amputated by an army surgeon and later donated by the General to a new museum in DC where war injuries were under study.

Today, visitors to the historic battlefields of Gettysburg needn't truck 90 miles south to DC to salute the real leg. They can go to Greystone's Historical Emporium & Gallery, a gift shop on Gettysburg's main drag of attractions, and visit the "only authorized replica" of General Sickle's leg.

Now you're probably saying, "Wait...I didn't know that Mailer Daemon were civil war buffs! I'm a civil war buff too! We should all get an apartment together!!!"

Well I'm sorry, but we're going to pass on the apartment. While we are excited that you share this interest with us, we all like where we live -- except for Eric, who lives with his Dad...maybe he'll get a place with you.

ANYWAY, we're super excited about our trip. Just last night at rehearsal, Moses was brandishing his replica 1861 Springfield Musket -- all polished and looking just like it did when it was made, in 1997 -- and Kevin was looking through his old civil war pictures, from when he was there.

Gabrus told me that he's most excited about "General Pickett's All-U-Can Eat Buffet," which is located right down the road from Sickle's bone. He's going to fast for two days just so he can eat as many gravy biscuits as possible. I tried to tell him that fasting makes your stomach shrink, but he told me to shut up and spit chocolate milkshake in my eyes.

Ben is so excited that he started building an Underground Railroad that leads from his basement apartment to his favorite restaurant, Mars 2112. We told Ben that the Underground Railroad was built before the Civil War started and Mars 2112 wasn't built until THE FUTURE, but he informed us that he was on ecstacy and that he didn't care where the tunnel went because it felt great digging it.

Ellie and Shannon told me that they're going to dress like Abraham Lincoln and flash their tits to every car on the drive there. I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "They're BOTH dressing like Lincoln?" Boy, you ask a lot of questions. But the answer is, no...Shannon is wearing a Lincoln costume and Ellie is growing a beard.

After we get back to New York, I'm going to assassinate one (or both) of them in the audience of the UCB Theatre!

Sic semper tyrannis!

Truth or Dare I Lie

2006-05-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

The following statements are either True or False.

Monkeys that did not evolve became so angry they created AIDS.

Someone on Mailer Daemon is a convicted Rapist.

When a girl's breasts begin to grow, one grows faster than the other.

Dinosaurs did not die from a meteor, they died from a Tyranasaurus FART!

The amount of time an average American spends reading blogs adds up to the number SAD.

Happy Weekend!

gabrus life lesson 1

2006-05-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

did you know that puppy puke looks like melted blue cheese that fell off of a bacon cheeseburger...

well it does

the only way to tell the difference is to try and pick it up and put it back on your bun. when it is mostly liquid and very difficult to grasp, you really notice.

Creative Pornography

2006-05-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

As we all know, the internet is FULL of pornography. But, have you actually taken the time to look at some of the outrageous concepts some of these spank sites have? Pornography is not just for masturbating anymore -- it's also for misogynistic hilarity! Here are two of my favorites...

Big Sausage Pizza
This concept is pretty simple. A pizza delivery guy shows up at a sexy lady's door holding the pizza box near his junk area. When he's invited in, he sits on the couch and asks her if she wants a slice, but when he opens the box -- you guessed it -- his dick is sticking out of a hole in the center of the pie! When she performs oral sex on him, her face mashes into the greasy oils and cheese and sauce! Save me a slice (not really)!

Bang Bus
A couple of dudes drive around in a van that they call, the "bang bus." When they see a single woman standing alone on the side of the road, they ask her if she'll get into the bus (van) for some cash. Then when she gets in, they keep upping the amount of money until their penises are inside her. The catch is, they tell her that they'll give her the money after they pull over and let her out, but when she gets out, they slam the door and throw something (usually an empty backpack or a balled up t-shirt) in her face and speed off!

...on a side note, these sites made me remember an idea I once had. I used to talk about creating the ultimate movie that has super explosive action sequences, the funniest comedy ever captured on film, is grippingly suspenseful with lots of brilliant plot twists, and also has hardcore sex scenes with full penitration. There would also be some DOPE animated sequences (digital, drawn and stop-motion).

It would, of course, be a BUDDY COP movie.

Sausage Making

2006-05-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

If Ben Rodgers and I owned a sausage making business, we would make the best sausage there ever was. First we would study the art and practice of sausage making with the genius Professor Martin Marchello. http://www.ext.nodak.edu/extpubs/yf/foods/he176w.htm#History

Ben and I would be sure to select only the finest meats when making our sausage. We would blend those meats with the finest pure white fats at a 2:1 meats to fats ratio. This would likely surprise the health conscious among you. You'd exclaim "is so much fat really necessary!?" In his signature deep voice, Ben would attempt to allay your fears, bellowing, "that's how you make a really nice sausage." Placing my workman's hands on your shoulders, I'd add, "don't worry, most of that fats is gonna run out on the grills."

In our sausage workroom I would hang the sausages in long rows. With girlish enthusiasm Ben's young niece would play about the sausages pretending they were sausage curtains. Oh, the joy Ben and I would take in that young girl's enthusiasm for sausage making!

On every lunar solstice Ben and I would throw a sausage festival, commingling smoky polish kielbasa with spicy "muscle man" italian salsiccia, rolled Cumberland sausages and Veal-filled German wurst. We'd parade about our Portugese Linguica, so Iberian you'd mistake it for being made on the peninsula itself! We'd crown a Sausage Queen and on her crowny crown place chocolate sausages, so sweet!

SPOILER

2006-05-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

RIP
Denny Duquette
??- 5-15-06

I hope you are happy Izzy, that was very stupid

Lawsuits are hilarious!!!

2006-05-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

So...I thought it would be fun to do fake profiles for the members of Mailer Daemon. I googled our names and posted pictures of our various alter-egos below (such as, Eric Appel the magician and Matt Moses the baseball player).

Unfortunately, Ben Rodgers -- The Last Singing Cowboy -- and his legal team did not succumb to the humor of this "bit." (which I admit was a LAZY bit anyway) We were contacted by his lawyers, who stated that the image and description of Ben Rodgers needed to be removed within 48 hours or the singing cowboy would pursue the matter further.

You are using copyrighted material in your "mailor daemon" blog. The bio and photo for Ben Rodgers is copyrighted, and your use of his likeness and bio on your site suggests a less than wholesome persona--substancial loss of income could result and my client is fully willing to persue the matter further if the image and bio are not removed within 48 hours from the sending of this notification.

Apparently, we are a "less than wholesome" improv comedy group. I just hope -- for Mr. Rodger's sake -- that no county fair commitees searched him out for a performance opportunity and came across our site. I would feel terrible if our blog cost him the hundreds of billions of dollars he must make for his trick gun shows, his lasso routines, and that sweet old singing cowboy sound the good people of Nashville have grown to love.

Yee-Haw!

DAEMON PROFILE: ERIC APPEL

2006-05-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

My name is Eric Appel and I'm from New Jersey.

I am 49 years old, and I have been into magic since 1968 when I started attending IBM Ring 200 meetings. This was about the same time David Copperfield, then known as David Kotkin, started attending the same Ring meetings. Just two teens in a room full of veterans.

I worked as head assistant with Bill Baker and his "Magic World" Illusion show for about 6 years. During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting and working with some big names in our profession as well as some celebrities who have a passing interest. Dai Vernon, Tony Slydini, both Irv and Lou Tannen as well as Tony Spina, James Randi, Peter Pitt, Willie Marconick and Dom DeLouise to name a few.

Started doing my own shows as well starting in 1972.
In May of 1974, I joined the Middlesex County Sheriff's Department and continued with my shows until promoted to the rank of Sergeant in 1981. At that time my magic had to go on the "Back burner" due to the amount of extra work I carried. Started getting back to working my magic last year and I retired as a Lieutenant in December of '99 and am now working on my shows full time. The hardest part is trying to play catch up on all of the time I've lost.

I like Burton and Ammar as well as quite a few others, and There will always be something special for Copperfield as he came from my Ring.

I like just about all types of magic but do kids shows and stage work myself along with some escape work.
My plans are to build my show back up and maybe start building an illusion show of my own.

DAEMON PROFILE: MATT MOSES

2006-05-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

The Player of the Month for April, 2005, was Single-A Fort Myers third baseman Matt Moses, the Twins' No. 1 draft pick in 2003. Moses hit .403 with four homers and 22 RBI in only 20 games.

He earned a spot in the Florida State League All-Star Game, set for Saturday in Clearwater. Minnesota Twins farm director Jim Rantz said he expects Moses to graduate to Double-A New Britain this summer.

Also making the FSL All-Star Game were Fort Myers outfielder Denard Span and starting pitcher Nick Blackburn. Span was a first-round pick in 2002. Blackburn was taken in the 29th round in 2001.

DAEMON PROFILE: BEN RODGERS

2006-05-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

HILARIOUS BIT POST DELETED. SEE ABOVE.

The Monthly Daemon

2006-05-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

As some of you may already know, Mailer Daemon publishes a monthly rag called, "The Monthly Daemon," and hands it out for free at the UCB Theatre (on the first Harold Night of each month...or the second, depending on how motivated we are). Well, now that we have this blog, we have been asked if we will discontinue the Monthly D. Our answer to that is a firm "NO." However, everything that is printed in the Monthly Daemon is exclusive to it and will not end up on this blog.

That being said, there are still a few copies of our May issue floating around at UCB. So if you want to read an article where Ellie invents something called "Truth in Tragedy," Kevin dishes gossip about our latest bank heist, Shannon teaches you how to steal apples from the grocery store, and Ben warns you (and your delicate taint) about the dangers of NYC's Bike Month, head down to UCB and rummage through the various trash cans scattered about the theatre. You'll be sure to find at least one copy of The Monthly Daemon. Enjoy!

WELCOME

2006-05-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Mailer Daemon blog. This will soon be the place to get all your Mailer Daemon information.

For instance, let's just say that Ellie Kemper gets arrested for smuggling heroin over the border (in her asshole). How long do you think it would take for that sweet information to pass through the grapevine and into your ears (answer: too long). With the new Mailer Daemon blog -- which I'm sure you will be checking daily -- you'll find out in almost no time!

Or what if Ben Rodgers dies of alcohol poisoning (or an alcohol related accident of some sort). You'll read it HERE first!

Kevin Hines dies of old age? Slips and breaks his hip? MD BLOG TIME!

Gabrus devours the entire team in a fraternity prank gone wrong (even though he isn't in a frat)? Shannon gets a penis sewn to her vagina? Dominic learns to walk? Appel gets murdered by an ex-girlfriend?

READ...IT...ON...OUR...BLOGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

So, welcome. Now you can stop sitting at home and thinking about us all day, and instead, come here and READ about us...if you even CAN read...which I assume you can if you're reading this...

What I'm really trying to say is, LET'S GO THROW ROCKS AT PEOPLE THAT CAN'T READ!